Gideon's HW Blog

Gideon Weiss
Eng. 212
Jan. 16, 2014


Professor Umbridge stood up and leaned toward them, her stubby fingered hands splayed on her desk.
"You have been told that a certain Dark wizard has returned from the dead-"
"He wasn't dead," said Harry angrily, "but yah he's returned!"
"Mr. Potter you have already lost your house ten points do not make matters worse for yourself," said Professor Umbridge in one breath without looking at him. "As I was saying you have been informed that a certain Dark wizard is at large once again. This is a lie. 
"It is NOT a lie," said Harry, I saw him, I fought him!"
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

Harry, now a war hero is being targeted by the government and labeled an mentally unstable liar. He loses his temper at Professor Umbridge and begins to yell at her, much to the distress of his friends. There are melodramatic elements because of the heightened emotions in this passage and because Harry is facing adversity from those around him (aka Umbridge) instead of from within. [I was unsure whether making this passage "un-melodramatic" meant revising the plot or just toning down the emotions. Also, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to take all the emotion out of the passage, or just some.]

Revision

Professor Umbridge sat down comfortably,
"You have been told, falsely, that Voldemort is still alive."
"But he has returned," objected Harry.
Harry, I don't want to take away any points from Gryffindor, but I will," said Umbridge gently. "what you have been told is just not true."
"Oh," said Harry, and opened his textbook.